welcome to my new disease

all you're seeing is the tip of the iceberg

2007-07-04T00:23:35Z

WARNING: AS PER USUAL, THE FOLLOWING IS JUST A RAMBLE. REMEMBER: YOU'RE THE ONE WHO DECIDED TO READ IT; I DIDN'T ASK YOU TO, SO I DON'T WANNA HEAR YOUR "but tommy, you can't think like that" NONSENSE. BRING UP AN OPPOSING POINT OF VIEW IF YOU WISH, BUT DON'T PREACH ON MY MOTHA' FUCKIN' JOURNAL

let's see how this goes. as usual, it's been forever since i opened up this entry page, yet i still check my livejournal friends page every day. if you read this, comment, just so i can know who else still reads these things.

i'm moving back down to south florida at the end of july. i'm not really sure how it's gonna go; of course i have mostly good thoughts about it, except for not being able to smoke inside, or drink at the house, but those are sacrifices i'm willing to make. through the almost year i've lived in Gainesville, i've done absolutely nothing. i don't feel like my mind has been opened anymore, i don't feel i've grown...at this moment it feels like a waste of a year. if anything, i feel i've grown even more apathetic and become even more of a pessimist. looking on the bright side doesn't work so well when that bright side is pretty dim itself. i think of the idea of having fun, and i can't think of many things that are fun to me. i kinda just hang out, smoke weed, drink occasionally, and a lot of it is because i can't think of much else i'd rather be doing. the most excitement i get is when i hear a friend is coming to town, and this revelation was a contributing factor to me moving back home. i'm gonna be doing what i thought i'd never do, and that's go to college. if there's one thing i am happy about my experience up here, it's that i've accepted "giving in". the thought of the normal 9-5 with a wife and kids is now something i long for, rather than loathe. it kinda sucks because what i'm going to be going to school for isn't something i particularly enjoy, but like i said, there's not much i do enjoy. ideally, i think being a house-husband would be my dream job. my plans for the next four years as of now are to go to broward community college for two years and get an AA in liberal arts, and then transfer to the university of miami on account of it being free and getting a bachelor's in computer science. i figure if we're still alive to grow old, computers are a safe bet in regards to not being irrelevant 20-30 years down the road. with a degree like that, i could just keep learning as new things come out, as i'd be forced to, or i wouldn't have a job. seems kinda good in that i'd always have a job, and be up on technology. that's pretty cool to think about, if it plays out that way. the scenery and overall life in south florida is not a thing i'm looking forward to returning to, that's for sure. i am excited to have close friends again, and a band to play in. i guess i'd say i'm more sad than happy, but i feel more like i'm just floating along; and that's why i get sad. there's nothing i have passion for. everything is jaded. i hate the scene, i hate the fashion, i hate most of the music, i hate the world, i hate society, i hate more than i like. i think what bugs me is how much people and things are changing. is it internal that one decides they don't like these clothes or bands anymore, and they're going to move on, or is it just because that's what's in? i've been wearing the same clothes for the past five years, had the same haircut for the last 3, and been listening to what i want to for as long as i can remember. it's not so much that i'm afraid of change (that's a good chunk of why i moved to gainesville), i just like what i like. if one day i wake up and decide i wanna wear a leather jacket and grow out my hair or start listening to Bjork, i will. am i that weird? it seems pretty logical to me, but then again, i'm sure everyone makes sense to themselves. i'm comfortable in my skin, and i don't wanna try on yours. i suggest you give me a bite of that burger.

fuck myspace blogs, it's still about this LJ

2006-10-31T14:11:38Z

it's been so long since i've written on this that the update format changed, and it bugged me.

i create too many happy endings in my mind about every situation, and kind of have a technique of shrugging off a let down by expecting it. my head goes everywhere with everything and their counter points. i guess this way of analyzing is good sometimes, but it kills others. i don't know if i need to cry, or go somewhere, or realize some things, or anything. i feel like i'm wasting time, and i don't know why that's bothering me. i moved to gainesville to not do anything, but now that i'm here i want more then i ever have. i want to just get everything difficult out of my way, and get to that point in my life where i'm at peace. i want to say happy, but i don't know if one is ever truly happy.

i've been super down on myself lately. i think everyone thinks i'm better then i am, and i try to even the situation by thinking well...maybe i think they're better then they are, too - but i don't believe this. it's really shitty that i think my thoughts are more cold hearted then anyone elses. i've never felt as selfish and as i have the past few months. it feels like a defense mechanism. i indulge in myself to not think about other things, but it doesn't work.

i hate missing people. i'm living with my three best friends, and it's shitty because i don't even want to talk to them about anything except how fucked up our apartment keeps getting. i don't open up to them about anything - not that i have a lot to spill, but sometimes it'd be nice to talk about some more personal things, and when i'm around them i don't feel like they're the best people to talk about that with anymore.

females. why don't i want to chase girls? i've been here for three months and haven't tried talking to one girl. i'm scared. that's all it is. i'm scared because i have had such a lack of experience in dealing with the opposite sex other then being around them when they are friends or girlfriends of my friends. i don't know how to talk to them. it's bullshit. i tell other guys this, and they're like "talk to them about them...they love talking about themselves". well then i don't want to talk to that girl. why the fuck do girls have to be so boring? i know they aren't though. i just can't get through to it. i don't like having to alter me to be able to have them not feel uncomfortable. it's not my fault that you don't get a joke, or don't give a shit about what i'm talking about. i don't know why i write off so many girls. i don't know why i think i'm good enough to be able to be picky. in a way i like that i give myself standards, but i just wish they weren't so hard to find, and i'm not going to settle. they aren't even high standards. i just want to be able to care for someone and them to care for me back. the friends i do have that are girls...i know they care, but i don't think they care even close to the amount i do. when i miss them, i feel creepy because i think i think about them too much. i feel bad if i ever think sexually about my friends who are girls. i just feel like i know that they're so much more then this shit i'm thinking of them at that moment. i care too much for me and for everyone else.

i love music for being able to reach on such deep parts of you...but lately no one's been able to get me. it's always a couple lines of a song or something. i need an album that wants what i want. how many people out there are just gonna be singing about missing girls so deeply without ever kissing one...how many bands are gonna write about how badly they just want to have things to do with, but have never had a relationship to know what to do. i'm super down this morning.

i don't want to work. i want to sit around and be a baby today. i think the financial situation up here has me super on edge too to where i feel myself almost wanting to cry right now. it's so fucked up that i can't buy ANYTHING. i can't even afford a goddamn haircut, and it's hard for me to afford to do laundry. i could work more, but this job is so draining, and it makes no sense. i don't want a second job right now, though. i think i'd go fucking crazy. all i do up here is wake up too early for work, go to work and leave early. get home and sit around and think shitty things, eat, smoke pot and cigarettes, watch tv, play guitar, and get nowhere. i've been so lazy that now even going out somewhere for like 3 hours gets me exhausted.

give me something.

the shit is disguuuuuustin'

2006-01-23T03:55:19Z

i don't know why i'm feeling like this. i don't really know what the feeling is or the events that may spark it. maybe it's nothing but a thought i dwell on just a little too long however how minimal that length may be. it could not be it at all. i'm getting annoyed and fed up with shit that i usually don't give a fuck about. i feel like i need to just be done with certain things and just begin to start others. i'm typing this with my eyes closed in an attempt to make it the most pure i thing i can. if i don't look at it maybe i won't think about what i'm saying. negative. i am. maybe i need someone. maybe someone needs me. i don't know if i want to be alone or with someone. or many. or a few. do i want to ride a bike alone and think? maybe just sit on a park bench and smoke. i might not want to think a all. what do i want myself to be in life? i don't care about the purpose or leaving behind something thta will help because i've decided as of now since i don't know... a couple years ago, there is no purpose. i don't need to hear any spiritual bullshit or any philosophical response. i don't want or need a god or a plan. i need a plan. god is an illusion. everything might be an illusion. i might be able to disect that in one thought. everything i still think and know might still be fed to me and i have just eaten certain things. maybe i haven't thought at all. i think i want a city, a cold night, and a pack of smokes. i think i want someone to go home to. i think i want to be done with school. i think i want someone to be thinking of me. i want to be there for someone. i want an apartment where noise doesn't stop outside. we can be each other. we can laugh, we can sit in silence and say to each other "yeah". we can never be togehter. i don't need you. i don't need anyone. i do. repitition. circles circles circles. i need a new fucking shape. i want my face to concrete. lets walk to our lake. i had my own. i'll make another. i'll find my place. i'll create it. there is nothing such as this. it's everywhere in everything. puzzle. think. do. die. bullshit spewing everywhere. whatever. however. f7.

again and again

2005-11-08T23:34:23Z

i don't know what you're looking for but i do know that you 'aint no god damn son of a bitch. you're just more unlikable then you used to be

word

2005-09-20T19:46:21Z

yo we have a recorded song finally

Click to listen

first thing i've written since january '04. weird stuff.

2005-09-15T02:27:14Z

I take no depressants except for this goddamned place and my cluttered fucking mind. I know I'd like to slow down but I'm going slower then a semi in brush. It's sad but me to love this cancer candy and green summer camps and I just can't wait to be another cliché tragedy case that had so much yum yum yum la la bish sort of potential.

it's kind of short now that i look at it. but i wrote it on a napkin on my steering wheel as i was driving home from work. bowling is quite fucking fun.

ouchhhh

2005-08-18T10:47:05Z

man i woke up this morning about 7 minutes before my alarm went off to the worrrrrrrrrrrst charlie-horse i've ever had. it was in the back of my calve, i couldn't even stretch it out when i stood up for like 2 minutes. hurt so bad, and then as i was trying to stretch that out my right thigh tried it too, but i kept that shit to a minimum. shit suckkkked

this will mostly be used for things like this i suppose

2005-07-07T05:16:11Z

spam spam sorry

2005-06-28T14:12:55Z

if you don't know already the band me and some of my friends have started have our first show on sunday. we're called Seabass. you should totally go if you have the 7 dollars to throwdown -RAISE YOUR FIST IN THE AIR!-...we play first, probably at 7pm we shall start because of this. listen to more Joni Mitchell, please

leavinggggggg

2005-06-14T21:42:50Z

i'm going to new york tonight and i come back sunday night. have fun

it's all weee haaaaave

2005-04-28T03:10:42Z

so i leave tomorrow morning at 4:30 in the morning to go to the airport because my sister lives in pennsylvania and is getting married on saturday. i get back on monday. leave me a bunch of comments. a lot of them. a few. a couple. one. i'll feel special. i'll be like yo man i got a lot of comments, that's pretty fuck yeah. and it will be fuck yeah in my mind. i'll miss some nigga's. send me text messages and shit, i'll be bee oh are E D. who likes to congo? motherfucker, i like to congo. who likes to play ping pong? motherfucker, i like to play ping pong. POW! MOTHA'FUCKA', POW! dance to the beat, look at that whiteboy go. we don't give a damn about any trumpet playin' band.

miguelrodriguez @ 2005-04-27T14:41:00

2005-04-27T18:42:57Z

American Cities That Best Fit You:

60% New York City

55% Atlanta

55% Chicago

55% Los Angeles

55% Washington, DC

Which American Cities Best Fit You?

it's the little things that we do that mean anything

2005-04-22T03:46:16Z

guy, dude...i got that
thing you sent me! it fucking rules. fuck yeah!

john michaelllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2005-04-19T02:55:29Z

::burp:: a lot like love is the most fuck yeah movie ever. go see it when it comes out. taco bell rules a lot more when john michael and his bro friends are present. 3 years later, 2 years later, one year later, 6 months later. you're not too late. i'm not getting married. YOU'RE SUCH A DICK! my sister is. oklahoma and cheetos.

band is going alright. need to get more shit done motherfuckers. the right musicians are so fucking hard to find. it's hard to be serious without being over the top asshole serious. maybe i need to be though. one more, then a lot of work. then fun.

fuck school. fuck not going to school when i have to go.

but overall i had a fuck yeah night and am in a fuck yeah mood.

fuck

2005-04-08T22:47:47Z

goddamnit, i lost my fucking cell phone today. i think i'm getting a new one tomorrow, but all of my fucking numbers will be lost. do me a favor and comment with your number if you think i had it, or would like me to. fuck losing cell phones.

::editttttttt::
fuck yes to Mike at m.a.e. for finding my phone and calling Home so i could come and retreive it. if you didn't have my number before, it's 954-536-8985. and if you think i don't have your number, and want me to, still comment. fuck yessssssss

don't fully agree 'cause some of the options weren't so good, but whatever

2005-03-23T22:14:50Z

You scored as Satanism. Your beliefs most closely resemble those of Satanism! Before you scream, do a bit of research on it. To be a Satanist, you don't actually have to believe in Satan. Satanism generally focuses upon the spiritual advancement of the self, rather than upon submission to a deity or a set of moral codes. Do some research if you immediately think of the satanic cult stereotype. Your beliefs may also resemble those of earth-based religions such as paganism.

</td>

Satanism

100%

atheism

92%

Paganism

54%

Buddhism

50%

Judaism

33%

Islam

25%

agnosticism

17%

Christianity

Hinduism

Which religion is the right one for you? (new version)
created with QuizFarm.com

miguelrodriguez @ 2005-01-24T14:25:00

2005-01-24T19:26:02Z

happy 19th birthday to a gay man attending flight school in northern orlando

p.s. matt, you really do like men.

the city is calling

2005-01-10T04:16:43Z

tomorrow will suck worse than i can even describe at the moment.

yehhhh nigga' you knowwww

2004-12-27T14:08:50Z

HAPPY 17th BIRTHDAY TO MISS BRITTANY NOEL(i
hope i spelled that right) COFFMAN

we've just recently become 'good' friends, but i'm thankful
for that and i hope your birthday is a good one, and that you are pampered with
much porn and butter. love, tommy

fuck yes

2004-12-14T01:24:58Z

i never do updates like this, but i feel this is needed. welcome back to the internet, rolby. i just saw rolby sign online for the first time in about eight months or so. i got so happy. i feel all giddy right now. hell fucking yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

miguelrodriguez @ 2004-11-16T21:03:00

2004-11-17T02:09:06Z

of course i couldn't resist the chance to entertain myself

2004-08-31T21:59:24Z

i don't know why i waited so long to post this...but i did. anyways...

Leave a comment with your name if you want to know what I really think of you for the most part, and I’ll reply and tell you. No lies, some honesty.

the timing, the feeling, the regret, the meaning of knowing i'm nothing to no-one, and knowing i was

2004-07-16T04:53:57Z

it's probably in my best interest to go to sleep right now, but i don't feel like it. a lot of times i feel the lonliest, and saddest feeelings. it's strange though, because it's times like these that i feel most comfortable, and sure, and concentrated. i don't know why, or if the description of this feeling is correct, i just know that sometimes, i get "this" feeling, and i've got it right now. i usually get it when i have more i guess 'depressing' entries. but it's when i get to thinking all of the negative thoughts. i'm a very curious person, so i think a lot. i always ask a bunch of questions, i'm very 'need to know' all of the time kind of deal. i don't know if it's insecurity, or what. if so, what of? i always feel left out. i feel like people don't like me, a lot of time. i always feel like i'm a nuisance to people. i feel like there is always someone else people would rather be hanging out with. no matter whom it is, except for jonathan, rolby, and chris a. honestly. i say those three, because they are the only three that i can say i've felt really comfortable around lately. everyone else, which isn't many, that i've hung out with recently just seem like i'm not a person they'd want to be hanging out with. i notice this a lot when there are other people hanging out with me and a person. i guess that's how it works when you are together with more than just one person, but it's situations like that, when i feel most uneasy. i have butterflies in my stomach. that's part of the feeling i get. i also get goosebumps, and a chill comes over me. i tilt my neck forward and have my eyes staring up at the screen. n fjfc

got your hair all up in your face, and your clothes from outerspace

2004-07-08T04:51:22Z

so, uh. when will i be entertained with a new wave of good music? screamo and hardcore have been here too fucking long already, and even the fans of that bullshit are starting to get fed up. i don't give a shit if you're Guy, chris with a K, or Jonathan who want to tell me "it's not screamo, this is screamo" and play me one of their bull shit bands =P. fuck you. so what's gonna be the next band to set shit off. will it be an already established act that just changes shit or will it be something totally new? Taking Back Sunday won't do it. maybe the new Starting Line record? something's gonna get a storm of media attention, and people will start listening to lesser hearted music again. fuck, maybe even Hellogoodbye or Motion City Soundtrack with their moog/keyboard driven songs will strike big? who knows, but i want something new, and at this moment i'm not creativley capable of making it myself. ska won't get big, i can't see a pop punk or punk rock revival. i don't care how much you love it, everytime i die, or tunes for bears to dance to, will never win a fucking award at a major level. something needs to breathe some fresh air on us. buth walker's new cd is coming out soon, but i don't see it being a major stepping stone. i know it's a shot in a the dark, but the new sloppy meateaters demos i've heard are amazing. shit, maybe they'll hit it big and start a new wave. or maybe the go go's or guns 'n roses will get back together? hehe.

let it raiiiin

2004-06-22T05:11:55Z

NOVEMBER:
Has a lot of ideas. Difficult to fathom. Thinks
forward. Unique
and brilliant. Extraordinary ideas. Sharp thinking.
Fine and strong
clairvoyance. Can become good doctors. Dynamic in
personality. Secretive.
Inquisitive. Knows how to dig secrets. Always
thinking. Less talkative but
amiable. Brave and generous. Patient. Stubborn and
hard-hearted. If there is
a will, there is a way. Determined. Never give up.
Hardly becomes angry
unless provoked. Loves to be alone. Thinks
differently from others.
Sharp-minded. Motivates oneself. Does not
appreciates praises.
High-spirited. Well-built and tough. Deep love and
emotions. Romantic.
Uncertain in relationships. Homely. Hardworking.
High abilities.
Trustworthy. Honest and keeps secrets. Not able to
control emotions.
Unpredictable

What does your birth month say about you?
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